Our annual Halloween poem: Up the Hidden Stairs

I'd lived in the house for many years,
Long enough to banish fears
Of unknown properties
Or undiscovered oddities.
It all was just as appears.

Then one day I tripped and fell
Against a wall once known so well,
But I'd never noticed
The small painted lotus
That turned out to be under a spell.

I struck it with my tender elbow,
A button clicked, a gearshaft bellowed.
A doorway brand new
Appeared in my view,
Like a rectangle made up of shadow.

I wondered immediat'ly of tax implications,
Assessor's opinions and value deflation.
Secret square feet
Brings IRS heat
And I could ill 'fford such damnation.

Eventu'lly I thought to peek inside
A rotten stairway with rail alongside.
Dared I to climb?
'Twas after all mine!
Why would I leave stairways untried?

Of course I strode quite manly up!
No wastrel was I. I was no schmuck.
Two steps at a time
To the top I did climb.
But then was my strength from me plucked.

She sat on web-ed curséd throne,
A stalk-eyed vile eight-legged crone.
The thought that she
Might speak to me
Drove madness deep into my bones.

To speak with such as haunts one's sleep!
To dialog with 'rachnid creep!
But beckoned then
Did evil hen,
Eyes burning from shadows most deep.

I felt I could not turn to run,
To seek relief in cleansing sun.
What good was there?
I'd seen her lair!
I must now see through what's begun.

The air tastes foul, like rotten trees,
The heat, intense, quite tough to breathe,
And still yet I come
On feet quite benumbed,
Still not fully clear what I see.

And then with hoary rasp she spoke,
"What bring ye me, you four-limbed joke?
Know not that you
Have tribute due?"
"Homina homina," I croaked.

I searched my brain for 'scuses, but
I could not think; my mind slammed shut.
I patted at
My pockets that
Contained but a cell phone and...what!?

The phone glowed hot, due for recall.
I meant to return to the store in the mall.
A plot did I
Devise, and cried,
"I'm sorry, your Highness, to stall.

"I give you this electric box,
Powered by a thousand clocks.
By Samsung made.
Be not afraid!
It'll knock you right out of your socks."

'Twas just a matter of time before
Her probing leg my trap fell for.
It overheated.
She was defeated!
The 'splosion chased me through the door.

Now plywood cross the hidden space
Protects my family from her race.
I'm sure there's more,
But you be sure
I've got one more phone here...someplace.

A reflection of my own disgust