Call me Doug.
If you asked me what I did, and if I wanted you to think I was cool, I'd say I was a writer.
I'd say I've had two stories published in online magazines, I've mostly completed and abandoned one novel, and I've started a second. I'd say I've had a blog for seven years which ceased to be shitty three years ago when I started posting monthly. I'd talk about how I do most of my writing on the Metro-North Railroad, in cheap notebooks from Target or in Scrivener.
If I really wanted you to think I was cool, and I though you might have connections in the entertainment industry, I'd pitch you my idea for a Nine Inch Nails jukebox rock opera, and then I'd offer to sleep with you.
If I didn't care whether or not you thought I was cool, I'd say I was a software engineer at Large Unnamed Financial Software Corporation, where I manage a team of MySQL DBAs. We do most of our work in Perl and Red Hat Linux, utilizing MONyog and Trello along the way.
If, in response to all of my talking about myself, you decided to attack me, I would defend myself using krav maga, and then I would go home and work a tabata on my heavy bag using my custom workout generator.
But regardless, you would not be begrudged. The Internet has taught me that strangers, belligerent or not, constitute the stuff of life. Friends and family are extensions of ourselves, but those that we meet fresh remind us that the world seethes in infinite variation.
You are welcome here.