The strange and varied life of David Warner, actor

Albert's Memorial - Press Shot

David Warner is a great actor.  His performances are immediately classic and rich with culture and a shared love of the craft.  So great is his impact when in character that we as an audience rarely stop to reflect over the strange and varied life that he has led.  Let's do that now, shall we?

Humble beginnings

Time Bandits

As most serious fans of film know, David Warner came into being in a remote section of the Time of Legends known as the Fortress of Ultimate Darkness.  Back then he was known simply as "Evil Genius", or "Evil" to his close friends.  Even after only a few millenia of existence, he already showed a keen and restless mind, hungry for knowledge and fascinated by the world around him.

What especially fascinated him was the world of technology, which was blossoming in our dimension only a few time portals away, but to which he had no access due to the complexities of interdimensional crime laws.  He learned all that he could from his serving ogres and dim transmissions from his scrying pool, but he eventually concluded that he would need first-hand experience in order to achieve his dreams.

Warner bravely baited the Supreme Being into directing enough spiritual energy at him to allow him to jump between his world and ours.

Building an empire


His first stop was worldwide computer systems company ENCOM, where he rocketted to the position of CEO after a few strategic technological decisions.  Once at the top and in close collaboration with the Master Control Program, he was finally able to achieve his boyhood dream: to enter the computer system itself (photo above).  Once inside, he was able to leverage his true nature as an evil genius to become a key project manager in ENCOM's gaming division, where subordinates remember him as being "cruel, but effective".

If not for the criminal actions of a few anti-establishment radicals that had infiltrated his department, Warner (or "Sark" as he was now known) would have achieved an even greater greatness.  But instead he was forced to severely alter his career trajectory.


First, he tried out speculative medicine.


Next came bookmaking.

Also lacking in an indefinable something.  (In this writer's opinion, the poverty-inspired tranquility of 19th-century London life was no place for an evil genius.)

Eventually, Warner was cast out by our pitiless world into the backwaters of outer space to serve as a low-level bureaucratic functionary.

He made one last ditch attempt at greatness by assuming the office of Chancellor of the Klingon High Council.

But such things cannot last in this world, and he was assassinated.

He is now doomed to walk the decks of the Titanic over and over until James Cameron runs out of dimensions to fuck up.

Breaking the contract

Partial list of artists who, when they were my age, had their best work ahead of them