If you asked me what I did, and if I wanted you to think I was cool, I'd say I was a writer.
I'd say I've had two stories published in online magazines, I've mostly completed and abandoned one novel, and I've started a second. I'd say I've had a blog for seven years which ceased to be shitty four years ago when I started posting more-monthly. I'd talk about how I do most of my writing in cheap notebooks from Target or in Scrivener.
I also sell t-shirts.
If I didn't care whether or not you thought I was cool, I'd say I was a software engineer at Large Unnamed Financial Software Corporation, where I manage a team of MySQL DBAs. We do most of our work in Perl and Red Hat Linux, utilizing MONyog and Trello along the way.
If, in response to all of my talking about myself, you decided to attack me, I would defend myself using krav maga.
But regardless, you would not be begrudged. The Internet has taught me that strangers, belligerent or not, constitute the stuff of life. Friends and family are extensions of ourselves, but those that we meet fresh remind us that the world seethes in infinite variation.
You are welcome here.